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Sharing the Journey from Bereaved to Shining Light Parent
Spreading Sunshine - I'm Not Ready!

Spreading Sunshine - I'm Not Ready!

  • Posted
    • Jun
    • 7
    • 2023
by Elizabeth Boisson

I’m Not Ready!  

Over the last ten years since my Andy died by suicide and moved to Heaven, I have been on a journey of healing the trauma and pain. I knew two things immediately; I couldn’t live with this pain, and I didn’t have the tools and information necessary to help me move forward. In addition to this awareness, I also knew that throughout the eons of time, parents have outlived their children and seemingly managed to go on with their lives in a positive and meaningful manner. So, how did they accomplish that? This question alone would drive me to open my mind and heart in ways that not only was I uncomfortable with but actually flat out rejected.  

As time has flown by, I have worked with countless parents in a mentoring and supporting manner after the passing of their children. All too often, I have heard the statement….” I’m not ready” after I have suggested their attendance to a HPH meeting in person or on zoom. Often, I have also heard the comment that reading a supportive book is too hard because they can’t focus or remember what they are reading. These statements leave me speechless and at a loss for how to help them, as I am trying to be sensitive to this difficult time in their lives. I guess what I would like to ask is what exactly aren’t you ready for?  

Maybe take a moment and ask yourself that question right now if you are struggling and feel like there isn’t any hope. What are you not ready for? Could anything possibly be more difficult than what you have experienced? Do you have the tools necessary to help you on this journey? What if, just possibly, someone else has something valuable for you to hear or learn? What if attending a meeting, you find out that you aren’t alone and that so many others have gone ahead and paved the way for you? What if you find a friend who will become your new best friend because she or he understands exactly what you feel? What if healing really is possible even though you don’t believe it is?  

I remember the first meeting that I drug myself to just one month after Andy moved to Heaven; it wasn’t comfortable or pleasant. I hated being there! But I hated the unbelievable and excruciating pain worse. Nobody came with me, and I didn’t know anyone at the meeting, but a friend had heard of the HPH group and suggested that it might be helpful. I had to give it a try because I am not a believer in the myth that times heals all wounds. I have always believed in the need for my participation in that process so off I went.  

What I will say ten years later is thank God I went! Did I believe in healing at that point? Absolutely not! Did I wonder what the heck was wrong with the people who were laughing and joyful at that meeting? One hundred percent yes.! But, as time has gone on and I have attended hundreds of meetings, read countless books, watched numerous videos, and made precious friendships; the information that I have heard has been invaluable and led to healing.  

What if I had said I wasn’t ready? Would I be where I’m at now?  

~Shine on, Moms and Dads~LeAnn Hull, Andy's Proud Mama and the founder of Andy Hull's Sunshine Foundation.  
LeAnn is the author of  How to Live When You Want to Die, available on Amazon.  She is also the Co-Affiliate Leader with Sophia Mecum of our new group, Helping Parents Heal - Healing After Suicide.

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